Toeing the One-LIne

• Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

• Ask me about my vow of silence.

• We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

• If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

• Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

• A day without sunshine is like, night.

• How is it possible to have a civil war?

• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

• You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

• What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

• Why is abbreviation such a long word?

• Who stopped payment on my reality check?

• What's the speed of dark?

Diamonds in the Rough

Q: What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hotdog, and a Comerica Park hotdog?
A: You can buy a Comerica Park hotdog in October!

Q: A Yankee fan and a Jet fan jump off of a bridge. Who falls first?
A: Who cares?

I love autumn. It gives me a chance to sit at home and watch the world series ... kinda like the Dodgers.

Q: How do you get a Yankee fans eyes to light up?
A: Shine a flashlight through his ears.

I feel terrible about what they do to the umpires. The first time they go out on the field the band strikes up "Oh, say, can you see."

MLB is deciding whether or not to reinstate Pete Rose. When asked about it, Rose said, "I hope they do, cause I've got $50 riding on it."

Q: Why is it so hot at Phillies games?
A: Because there's not a fan in the place.

Q: How can you tell if a Yankee fan just sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it.

Bat Day seems like a good idea, but I question the advisability of giving bats in the Bronx to 40,000 Yankee fans.

Q: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?
A: O.J. Simpson.

You might be a redneck if you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are: "Play Ball"

Q: What's the biggest challenge for the Yankees marketing department?
A: Literacy!

Top 10 Yiddish Words for "Fart"

10. Yuhhshipnek

9. Kerplatch

8. Chuhtenski

7. Schlobenectomnuhbigosh

6. Oyfarhertagous

5. Schluhhklempt

4. Kitschpaw

3. Schlukkter

2. Izzymichnizzy

1. Schplart

And Now ... a Word From Our Sponsor

Anyone Else Working on Labor Day?

This Holiday business is great for the schmoes working in the 9-5 world but we, the glorious members of the press don't get that kind of slack. The news doesn't follow any calendar system so neither do we. If fighting beaks out in Lebanon, Iraq or Poughkeepsie, you can bet your bippie I'll be on the next plane to Dangerville.

If a fire breaks out in a warehouse or B-Sharp music, I'll be the first goombah there with my hose hanging out ... wait ... that's a fireman ... I'll be the first goombah with my notepad out snoopin' around the scene, looking for an angle on the story, asking tough questions to folks that lost everything and hoping they might give me a bite of their corn beef sandwich.

While yer out celebrating your Labor Day festivities, maybe eatin' something on a stick at the State Fair, maybe firing up the charcoal in the Weber, maybe having a 3-way with 2 Danish stewardesses on the Log Flume at the Mall of America, I'll be holed up in my dark, dank office where I ain't opened the Venetian Blinds for decades in fear that I might see a beautiful day and stray from my commitment to hard ass journalism.

Yeah, I know I'm great but I don't mind reminding you of the sacrifices I make for you ... John or Jane Q. Public. Where would you be without hard hitting news getting pumped up your poop-shute 24/7, huh? You wouldn't know that there's bad shit going down all over the world if it weren't for heroic cats like myself. If it weren't for us, you might even let your guard down and ... BANG ... that's when they strike ... could be a terrorist slitting your jugular with a box cutter or a swarm of African bees stinging you till you're screaming for mercy, heck, if I kept even one American citizen from lounging on the bacteria laden bedspread at a Motel 6 then I'd say my work here on this crazy planet has been justified.

Just reminding you of my worth and importance, enjoy your 3 lazy days off you milquetoast miscreants of lackadaisia.

Carp 18 at the 400 Bar??? Yeeesh, What's Next ... A Glenn Miller Reunion?

If it's better to burn out than to fade away, I'm bringing a flamethrower to help do my part.

It ain't only the splits and the duckwalking that does an old rocker in .... it's trying to thread a guitar string through that little hole without putting on a pair of "cheaters".

I ain't sayin' Carp 18 has put on a lot of weight since their last CD Release Party but I think they should change their name to Carp 245.

I ain't sayin' Carp 18 has aged a lot since their last CD Release Party but instead of being presented with a gold record, I hear they got a gold watch.

I hear the band had trouble bending over to turn on their amps so they hooked 'em up to "The Clapper".

The Head Roadie was worried about the sound of applause turning the amps off but it hasn't turned out to be a problem at all.

That old problem of Joe's heavy Les Paul has been solved by attaching it directly to his walker.

Dave was smart to choose bass as his instrument now that he's lost his ability to hear most high frequencies.

Paul's been sittin' good ever since he got that Barca Lounger drum throne.

Carp 18 will be doing a 60 minute set with 3 potty breaks.

In the early days, Carp 18 was always searching for the perfect high ... now they're looking for the perfect high yield mutual fund.

The new official drink of the band is a "Dead Nazi on the Run"
2/3 oz Rumple Minze®
2/3 oz Jagermeister®
1 pint of prune juice

CARP 18, JOE FAHEY & The SYCAMORES CD RELEASE PARTY
Friday, October 27th
400 Bar
Cedar & Riverside, Minneapolis

Honeysuckle Rose
The Sycamores
Carp 18
30-lbs. of Blue Jeans

Doors open at 8:00, music starts at 9:00
$5 Cover

The Devil You Say

Happy Birthday Damien!