Gobble, Gobble Hey!

Just to prove what a swell guy I am this Holiday Season, I promised all my ex-wives I'd adhere to all restraining orders.

You know which side of the turkey has more feathers? The outside.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my current wife does.

A bum stops me on Hennepin Avenue and asks if I could spot him 10 bucks till payday. I sez, "When's payday?" he sez, "I dunno, yer the one who's working."

You ever wonder why they don't serve the turkey with the head on it?

Little known tip about Thanksgiving ... it's always a good idea to thank who's giving.

My 17th wife, Matilda used to make a special batch of stuffing just for me, she added just enough garlic to cover up the taste of the ant poison.

So the other night I'm at a party and I see actor Michael Caine on the veranda smoking a big cigar. I sez, "Hey Mike, what kind of stogie you smokin' there?" He sez, "It's a 'Lawrence Welk'". I sez "A 'Lawrence Welk'? What's that?" He sez, "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

They call the Dallas Cowboys America's Team, I call 'em 4 quarters of not havin' to converse with my goddam brother-in-law.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.