Fact Check These Babies Oprah!!!

... and while you do, I'll just turn my head and cough.

On my 55th birthday I was issued a bottle of Milk of Magnesia and a copy of Clapton's "Unplugged."

If you see me in public with a pair of white earbuds jammed into my king-size ears, it's just my way of saying "Fuck off."

Author Jim Frey was a guest on a recent show and he later wrote that I was the most charming and intelligent man he'd ever met. Shortly after that he admitted that he likes to lie his ass off in print.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Last week I wrote that I got "stoned out of my gourd" and listened to Sgt. Peppers on vinyl. For the sake of fact-checking in my memoirs I have a confession to make, it was really Lou Reed's Coney Island Baby, and I wasn't stoned out my gourd either, I was stoned out of my bejeebers.

Speaking of embellished fact-checking, President Bush will be addressing the Nation this week about his succcess in Iraq.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

As soon as I heard the Wolves traded Szczerbiak I called up McHale and said "Kev, I don't even need to ask yuh how potent it is, I just need to know if you can get me 1/4-ounce of the same shit you been smoking."

I accidentally swallowed a quarter while playing drinking games with Cronkite and Kupchella. I go to my regular sawbones the next day to get it checked out. The Doc hands me a bottle of Milk of Magnesia and a copy of Clapton's "Unplugged" and sez to call him if there's any change.