And the Oscar Goes to ...

I thought it was generous for the casting crew of Capote to give the role to an actor with a speech impediment.

When filming an X-rated feature, the director doesn't yell "Cut", he just says "Throw water on 'em."

I heard the sheep starring in Brokeback Mountain let out a huge sigh of relief after reading the script.

Steven Seagal really knows how to move an audience ... to the adjoining theatre at the Cineplex!

Reese Witherspoon always brings me down with her sullen personality.

Can hardly wait to see the sequel to March of the Penguins ... it's called April of the Penguins.

King Kong, now there's a movie I really went ape over.

.... I'm bombing ... ain't I?

I was banking on some Oscar highlights so I could write my column but there weren't any.

Where's Roberto Benigni when you need him?

Tuscany.

When Vaudeville died they put it in a box. We now call that box "television".

When the heck did we start calling God "Yahweh"?

Told the waiter I had a fly in my soup, he said "Hold on, I'll get a spider."

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Go to hell!

Speaking of New York, I was on the Upper West Side the other day and I saw a gentleman lying in the gutter. I asked him if he was hurt or something and he said "No, I finally found a parking spot and I sent my wife out to buy a car."

There was this mother kangaroo complaining that when it rains, the kids have to play inside.

I once got beaten up for kissing the bride after the ceremony, it was three years after.

I go to Vegas twice a year just to visit my money.

Here's some toast ideas for St. Patrick's Day:
1. When the booze is inside, the pain goes elsewhere.
2. It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money!
3. More Guinness, less air!
4. May you fall on something with few corners.
5. That the tap may be open when it rusts!
6. Morning is the time to pity the sober. Those bastards must face my wrath!
7. I complained that I had no shoes...Until I met a man who had really ugly shoes.
8. May the roof above you never fall in, and those gathered beneath it never fall out.
9. May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.
10. May you live to be 100 years, with one extra year to repent.

Remember, you can't buy green beer, you just rent it.

Sláinte!