My World & Welcome To It

Toeing the One-LIne

2006-12-20T23:42:00.000-06:00

• Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

• Ask me about my vow of silence.

• We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

• If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

• Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

• A day without sunshine is like, night.

• How is it possible to have a civil war?

• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

• You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

• What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

• Why is abbreviation such a long word?

• Who stopped payment on my reality check?

• What's the speed of dark?

Diamonds in the Rough

2006-10-09T20:41:00.000-05:00

Q: What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hotdog, and a Comerica Park hotdog?
A: You can buy a Comerica Park hotdog in October!

Q: A Yankee fan and a Jet fan jump off of a bridge. Who falls first?
A: Who cares?

I love autumn. It gives me a chance to sit at home and watch the world series ... kinda like the Dodgers.

Q: How do you get a Yankee fans eyes to light up?
A: Shine a flashlight through his ears.

I feel terrible about what they do to the umpires. The first time they go out on the field the band strikes up "Oh, say, can you see."

MLB is deciding whether or not to reinstate Pete Rose. When asked about it, Rose said, "I hope they do, cause I've got $50 riding on it."

Q: Why is it so hot at Phillies games?
A: Because there's not a fan in the place.

Q: How can you tell if a Yankee fan just sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it.

Bat Day seems like a good idea, but I question the advisability of giving bats in the Bronx to 40,000 Yankee fans.

Q: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?
A: O.J. Simpson.

You might be a redneck if you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are: "Play Ball"

Q: What's the biggest challenge for the Yankees marketing department?
A: Literacy!

Top 10 Yiddish Words for "Fart"

2006-10-05T00:27:00.000-05:00

10. Yuhhshipnek

9. Kerplatch

8. Chuhtenski

7. Schlobenectomnuhbigosh

6. Oyfarhertagous

5. Schluhhklempt

4. Kitschpaw

3. Schlukkter

2. Izzymichnizzy

1. Schplart

And Now ... a Word From Our Sponsor

2006-09-11T23:26:00.000-05:00

Anyone Else Working on Labor Day?

2006-09-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

This Holiday business is great for the schmoes working in the 9-5 world but we, the glorious members of the press don't get that kind of slack. The news doesn't follow any calendar system so neither do we. If fighting beaks out in Lebanon, Iraq or Poughkeepsie, you can bet your bippie I'll be on the next plane to Dangerville.

If a fire breaks out in a warehouse or B-Sharp music, I'll be the first goombah there with my hose hanging out ... wait ... that's a fireman ... I'll be the first goombah with my notepad out snoopin' around the scene, looking for an angle on the story, asking tough questions to folks that lost everything and hoping they might give me a bite of their corn beef sandwich.

While yer out celebrating your Labor Day festivities, maybe eatin' something on a stick at the State Fair, maybe firing up the charcoal in the Weber, maybe having a 3-way with 2 Danish stewardesses on the Log Flume at the Mall of America, I'll be holed up in my dark, dank office where I ain't opened the Venetian Blinds for decades in fear that I might see a beautiful day and stray from my commitment to hard ass journalism.

Yeah, I know I'm great but I don't mind reminding you of the sacrifices I make for you ... John or Jane Q. Public. Where would you be without hard hitting news getting pumped up your poop-shute 24/7, huh? You wouldn't know that there's bad shit going down all over the world if it weren't for heroic cats like myself. If it weren't for us, you might even let your guard down and ... BANG ... that's when they strike ... could be a terrorist slitting your jugular with a box cutter or a swarm of African bees stinging you till you're screaming for mercy, heck, if I kept even one American citizen from lounging on the bacteria laden bedspread at a Motel 6 then I'd say my work here on this crazy planet has been justified.

Just reminding you of my worth and importance, enjoy your 3 lazy days off you milquetoast miscreants of lackadaisia.

Carp 18 at the 400 Bar??? Yeeesh, What's Next ... A Glenn Miller Reunion?

2006-08-07T16:56:00.000-05:00

If it's better to burn out than to fade away, I'm bringing a flamethrower to help do my part.

It ain't only the splits and the duckwalking that does an old rocker in .... it's trying to thread a guitar string through that little hole without putting on a pair of "cheaters".

I ain't sayin' Carp 18 has put on a lot of weight since their last CD Release Party but I think they should change their name to Carp 245.

I ain't sayin' Carp 18 has aged a lot since their last CD Release Party but instead of being presented with a gold record, I hear they got a gold watch.

I hear the band had trouble bending over to turn on their amps so they hooked 'em up to "The Clapper".

The Head Roadie was worried about the sound of applause turning the amps off but it hasn't turned out to be a problem at all.

That old problem of Joe's heavy Les Paul has been solved by attaching it directly to his walker.

Dave was smart to choose bass as his instrument now that he's lost his ability to hear most high frequencies.

Paul's been sittin' good ever since he got that Barca Lounger drum throne.

Carp 18 will be doing a 60 minute set with 3 potty breaks.

In the early days, Carp 18 was always searching for the perfect high ... now they're looking for the perfect high yield mutual fund.

The new official drink of the band is a "Dead Nazi on the Run"
2/3 oz Rumple Minze®
2/3 oz Jagermeister®
1 pint of prune juice

CARP 18, JOE FAHEY & The SYCAMORES CD RELEASE PARTY
Friday, October 27th
400 Bar
Cedar & Riverside, Minneapolis

Honeysuckle Rose
The Sycamores
Carp 18
30-lbs. of Blue Jeans

Doors open at 8:00, music starts at 9:00
$5 Cover

The Devil You Say

2006-06-06T08:24:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Damien!

Riffin' on Scripture

2006-05-31T14:56:00.000-05:00

I cried because I drive a '93 Taurus, then I met a man who drove a magenta Escort.

Lost Schmlost

2006-05-25T17:10:00.000-05:00

So lemme get this straight ... after discovering something odd just offshore, Jack and Sayid come up with a plan to confront "The Others" and hopefully get Walt back. Meanwhile, Eko and Locke come to blows as Locke makes a potentially cataclysmic decision regarding the "button" and the hatch?

Surf Schmurf

2006-05-25T16:07:00.000-05:00

Ya ever put on a Beach Boys record and just expect it to be better?

You Know What Would Really Suck?

2006-05-24T14:56:00.000-05:00

Let's say you were on the verge of being one of the greatest songwriters since Dylan ... the important critics were behind you and you had street cred up the ying yang. Then, one morning, you get up, make a pot of coffee and write "Eye of the Tiger."

Immigration Schmimmigration

2006-05-24T11:12:00.000-05:00

I've always been grateful to the Ellis Island official who made my Grandfather change his last name from Ballzsack to Schwing.

Good Thinkin' Schwing

2006-05-24T11:11:00.000-05:00

I referred all the pains in my ass to my therapist ... then I quit therapy.

Goodwill Goodschmill

2006-05-24T10:57:00.000-05:00

You ever donate a shirt to the Goodwill only to go buy it back later?

Gazing at Gridlock

2006-05-18T22:18:00.000-05:00

I saw a Deadhead sticker on a vintage VW camper van.

Page Schmage

2006-05-17T17:49:00.000-05:00

Just heard Seeger's "Turn the Page" the other day on KQ ... yeah, it must be tough being a rock star, never thought about it that way.

Hey Bob ... I used to work on a farm shoveling pigshit and baling hay in the intense heat of the summer for a buck-fifty an hour ... maybe they still have some openings!

The World's Funniest Joke

2006-05-06T11:05:00.000-05:00

I just cut & paste this baby from an old post on the official CNN web site. Do I still get paid or is this one of deals where I get sued? Call me (I make universal "Call me" signal with pinky & thumb extended as I bring my hand up to my sensuous lips and droopy ear).

LONDON, England -- The world's funniest joke has been revealed after a year-long search by scientists.

In an experiment conducted in Britain, people around the world were invited to judge jokes on an Internet site as well as contribute their own.

The LaughLab research, carried out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.

And here it is...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Wiseman said the joke worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.

"Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal," he said.

As well as identifying the joke which appealed most to people around the world, the experiment revealed wide humour differences between nations.

People logging onto the LaughLab Web site were invited to rate jokes using a "Giggleometer" which had a five-point scale ranging from "not very funny" to "very funny".

One intriguing result was that Germans -- not renowned for their sense of humour -- found just about everything funny and did not express a strong preference for any type of joke.

People from the Republic of Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand most enjoyed jokes involving word plays.

Many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, displayed a penchant for off-beat surreal humour, while Americans and Canadians preferred jokes where there was a strong sense of superiority -- either because a character looks stupid or is made to look stupid by someone else.

Europeans also enjoyed jokes that involved making light of topics that make people feel anxious, such as death, illness and marriage.

Wiseman said: "These results are really interesting. It suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour.

"Humour is vital to communication and the more we understand about how people's culture and background affect their sense of humour, the more we will be able to communicate effectively.

"Also, we find jokes funny for lots of different reasons. They sometimes make us feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of anxiety-provoking situations or surprise us because of some kind of incongruity.

"The hunters joke contained all three elements."

Bizarrely, computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long. (An abbreviated version was told in this story.)

Many jokes submitted contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were considered particularly funny.

May Schmay

2006-05-01T22:49:00.000-05:00

Q: If April Showers bring May Flowers, what do May Flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims

Robbing From Berle to Pay Schecky, Henny & Wright

2006-04-10T02:04:00.000-05:00

I was getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The hotel I'm Blogging from has a lovely closet ... a nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I've been married so many times I have rice marks on my face.

An Irishman walks out of a bar... Hey, it COULD happen!

What does an insomniac dyslexic atheist do at night? He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

Oy!

2006-04-04T01:25:00.000-05:00

I was taking my morning dose of my glucose supplement straight outta the bottle and I accidentally swallowed the Desi Pak. Now everytime I open my mouth I sing "Babaloo."

Spring Schming by Schwing

2006-03-20T15:47:00.000-06:00

I planned on surprising my new girlfriend by making love to her in the green grass behind the stadium but we ended schtuppin' on a glacier in my back yard.

I knew we were in for it when I saw the Groundhog buying electric socks down at Gander Mountain.

Don't get me wrong, I love snow, it fills in the all the potholes.

I blame the cold on the Canadians, I say we put up weatherstripping from Fergus Falls to Grand Portage.

It was so cold this morning that when my ex told me to go to Hell, I thought she was concerned about my comfort.

It was so cold this morning ...

... anyone?

... aww fuck it.

It was so cold this morning I decided to wear my toupee upside down.

It was so cold last night it took me an hour to get my girl started.

I ain't sayin' my ex was frigid but everytime she spread her legs, the furnace kicked on.

Everytime I put my iPod on shuffle it alternates between the Stones version of "Harlem Shuffle" and the Fridge's killer version of "The Superbowl Shuffle."

Hey writer, I'm out, insert 10th one-liner here.

Thanks Nicole!

2006-03-09T19:00:00.000-06:00

Hey Nicole thanks for your nice comment and your link to the Fleshlight website!

Jeez, it's about time somebody thought of a way to install an artificial vagina in a flashlight. I've just placed my first order and have decided to take an "extended" leave from Blogging to catch up on some, umm, personal business.

See yuh on the 20th yuh Goombahs!

And the Oscar Goes to ...

2006-03-05T22:34:00.000-06:00

I thought it was generous for the casting crew of Capote to give the role to an actor with a speech impediment.

When filming an X-rated feature, the director doesn't yell "Cut", he just says "Throw water on 'em."

I heard the sheep starring in Brokeback Mountain let out a huge sigh of relief after reading the script.

Steven Seagal really knows how to move an audience ... to the adjoining theatre at the Cineplex!

Reese Witherspoon always brings me down with her sullen personality.

Can hardly wait to see the sequel to March of the Penguins ... it's called April of the Penguins.

King Kong, now there's a movie I really went ape over.

.... I'm bombing ... ain't I?

I was banking on some Oscar highlights so I could write my column but there weren't any.

Where's Roberto Benigni when you need him?

Tuscany.

When Vaudeville died they put it in a box. We now call that box "television".

When the heck did we start calling God "Yahweh"?

Told the waiter I had a fly in my soup, he said "Hold on, I'll get a spider."

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Go to hell!

Speaking of New York, I was on the Upper West Side the other day and I saw a gentleman lying in the gutter. I asked him if he was hurt or something and he said "No, I finally found a parking spot and I sent my wife out to buy a car."

There was this mother kangaroo complaining that when it rains, the kids have to play inside.

I once got beaten up for kissing the bride after the ceremony, it was three years after.

I go to Vegas twice a year just to visit my money.

Here's some toast ideas for St. Patrick's Day:
1. When the booze is inside, the pain goes elsewhere.
2. It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money!
3. More Guinness, less air!
4. May you fall on something with few corners.
5. That the tap may be open when it rusts!
6. Morning is the time to pity the sober. Those bastards must face my wrath!
7. I complained that I had no shoes...Until I met a man who had really ugly shoes.
8. May the roof above you never fall in, and those gathered beneath it never fall out.
9. May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.
10. May you live to be 100 years, with one extra year to repent.

Remember, you can't buy green beer, you just rent it.

Sláinte!

Good Whit Hunting

2006-02-13T08:52:00.000-06:00

It makes me nervous when Dick Cheney is unloading his shotgun on old duffers named Harry.

When I go out hunting I take 2 bottles of Bourbon in case of snake bites. I also bring 2 snakes.

I took my new wife up to my cabin for the first time and she was offended by the bear rug in the entry way. I said "Honey, it's the law of the jungle, it was either him or me." She thought about it and said he did make a better rug.

Sometimes I wonder about her though ... before I went deer hunting last November she took out a large life insurance policy on me and then game me a deerskin coat for my trip.

I was telling my pal about the elk I shot on my last hunting trip. He said How'd you know it was an elk?" I said "By his membership card."

My ex-wife was suspicious when I went to Vegas for a hunting trip. When I got home she asked if my gun had worked okay and I told her it was fine. Then she unzipped my rifle case and there was nothing in it but divorce papers.

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!

I overheard Dick Cheney say "Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?"

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

I usually go hunting without bullets. It's cheaper and the results are the same.

You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer.

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Daisy air rifles: Keeping kids off your lawn for more than forty years.

Old hunters never die, they just stay loaded.

Monday School

2006-02-06T09:00:00.000-06:00

I ordered a medium cup of the Brazil roast at my neighborhood Dunn Brothers this morning, the hip young gentleman with the headset asks me "Black?", I sez, "No, I'm white."

Stirred up a little ruckus at Church yesterday, after I took a pull off the Sacramental wine I wiped my mouth and, in a loud voice, said, "Ahhhhhh, nothing like a little hair of the dog ..."

Later, during confession, the priest sez, "Say Harry, when exactly did you convert to Catholicism?" "I sez, oh yeah, now I remember what I'm here to confess."

He sez "That's cool Harry, we accept all denominations here ... tens, twenties, fifties ..."

I heard they put a restaurant on the moon, great food but no atmosphere.

I'm in the middle of reading Jimmy Carter's brilliant new book, "Our Endangered Values : America's Moral Crisis". I was getting a little misty reading it, here is a man of great compassion and intellect who is fully devoted to his evangelical faith and moral values yet, even as a devout Southern Baptist he has the wisdom and courage to keep a separation from the Church and State. Hey, speaking of Baptists, you know why they frown upon screwing so much? They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

I too was raised with a strong dedication to my faith but I have admit, after years of education and life experience I find myself to be an agnostic. Word got around about that and one night I awoke to find a burning question mark on my front lawn.

Q. What you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A. A stick

I was making love to the wife the other night, she asked me to put on some romantic music. The only CD I had handy was "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by the Vince Guaraldi Trio. When we were done she said, "Great, another childhood memory ruined."

Just to prepare for any any future action I put a copy of Chopin's "Minute Waltz" on my nightstand.

I heard Mozart couldn't never find his mentor, he was Haydn.

Say, did you catch the State of the Union Address the other night? I guess it turns out everything's okay.

Fact Check These Babies Oprah!!!

2006-01-29T22:21:00.000-06:00

... and while you do, I'll just turn my head and cough.

On my 55th birthday I was issued a bottle of Milk of Magnesia and a copy of Clapton's "Unplugged."

If you see me in public with a pair of white earbuds jammed into my king-size ears, it's just my way of saying "Fuck off."

Author Jim Frey was a guest on a recent show and he later wrote that I was the most charming and intelligent man he'd ever met. Shortly after that he admitted that he likes to lie his ass off in print.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Last week I wrote that I got "stoned out of my gourd" and listened to Sgt. Peppers on vinyl. For the sake of fact-checking in my memoirs I have a confession to make, it was really Lou Reed's Coney Island Baby, and I wasn't stoned out my gourd either, I was stoned out of my bejeebers.

Speaking of embellished fact-checking, President Bush will be addressing the Nation this week about his succcess in Iraq.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

As soon as I heard the Wolves traded Szczerbiak I called up McHale and said "Kev, I don't even need to ask yuh how potent it is, I just need to know if you can get me 1/4-ounce of the same shit you been smoking."

I accidentally swallowed a quarter while playing drinking games with Cronkite and Kupchella. I go to my regular sawbones the next day to get it checked out. The Doc hands me a bottle of Milk of Magnesia and a copy of Clapton's "Unplugged" and sez to call him if there's any change.

Musical Notes #123

2006-01-23T08:10:00.000-06:00

I got stoned out of my gourd last night and listened to Sgt. Pepper's on beautiful, snap-crackle & pop vinyl ... well, not me exactly ... it was my writer.

If you play Lennon's "How Do You Sleep" backwards, you'll hear John sing nothing but complimentary praise about former partner Paul McCartney.

No matter how "pretty" it may look, never pick up an active lava lamp with your bare hands.

Ever notice how difficult it is to type with 2nd degree burns on your hands?

Heard Townshend warning iPod listener's about hearing loss ... hey Pete! It ain't the Britney Spears MP3s on my wasp-fart iPod that are making me deaf, I ain't been right in the ears since I stood in front of your zillion-watt, 21-foot Hiwatt stack at the Civic Center in May '80.

I'll never forget being blown away by the Who's opening act at that show, Blackfoot ... there ain't been a day since that I haven't shaken my rump to their big hit single "Train Train."

Funny, just a few hours ago I was sprawled out on my Barcolounger sweatin' like Sheen in Apocolypse Now, digging the trails off my lava lamp and crying like a baby while listening to "She's Leaving Home". Now here I sit in my tight collar and high-pressure suspenders with my sphincter clamped up so tight I could stuff a lump of coal up my shute and make a diamond in 30 seconds. Awww, nothing like being back at the office on a Monday morning.

Speaking of "She's Leaving Home"; I think if McCartney and Lennon would have been more creative (and on pitch!) with their back-up vocals, they could'a had a hit on their hands. Awww, what'yuh gonna do? Those young punk rockers from Britain always liked to keep things on the raw side.

Watched "Concert For Bangladesh" the other night. The keen thing about DVD technology is that I was able to put Ravi Shankar's "too short" set on repeat and watch it over and over all evening.

My (former) current wife left me the other night while we were in the middle of watching the "Concert for Bangladesh" ... jeeesh, what gives with these dames anyway?

Nollaig shona duit!

2005-12-24T11:52:00.000-06:00

I remember as a kid sitting around the tree, looking at the Nativity set, opening presents and my old man saying "Hey, aren't we Jewish?"

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
I'll have a boo Christmas without you

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Crisp Kringle

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
He had a low elf esteem

There will be no Christmas celebration in Washington, DC
this year. Apparently they could not find three wise men.

Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

When I was young we were poor. We didn't have a Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump.

When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.

What do you get if you cross Raquel Welch and Santa Claus?
A thank you card from Santa.

Why does Santa wear pink underwear?
He's a man. He did all his laundry in the one load.

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus

Merry whatever!

Gobble, Gobble Hey!

2005-11-25T13:10:00.000-06:00

Just to prove what a swell guy I am this Holiday Season, I promised all my ex-wives I'd adhere to all restraining orders.

You know which side of the turkey has more feathers? The outside.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my current wife does.

A bum stops me on Hennepin Avenue and asks if I could spot him 10 bucks till payday. I sez, "When's payday?" he sez, "I dunno, yer the one who's working."

You ever wonder why they don't serve the turkey with the head on it?

Little known tip about Thanksgiving ... it's always a good idea to thank who's giving.

My 17th wife, Matilda used to make a special batch of stuffing just for me, she added just enough garlic to cover up the taste of the ant poison.

So the other night I'm at a party and I see actor Michael Caine on the veranda smoking a big cigar. I sez, "Hey Mike, what kind of stogie you smokin' there?" He sez, "It's a 'Lawrence Welk'". I sez "A 'Lawrence Welk'? What's that?" He sez, "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

They call the Dallas Cowboys America's Team, I call 'em 4 quarters of not havin' to converse with my goddam brother-in-law.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Any Given Sunday

2005-11-13T21:50:00.003-06:00

I'd been buggin' my wife for for a ménage à trois for so long she finally developed a split personality.

When it comes to knit-cap rockers, I'm torn between Nesmith and Springsteen, circa 1974.

You ever have one of those days when everything that could possibly go wrong doesn't ... then you find yourself with nothing to bitch about?

Former President Jimmy Carter once told me in strict confidence that, professionally, he wished he'd gone by the name "James."

Coincidentally, after my interview with President Carter. I go home, flip on the boob tube and see this new show called "My Name is Earl." You see, the President's middle name is Earl and I found the sheer coincidence of it all to be quite uncanny.

In between the time I interviewed the former President and the time that I went home and watched TV, I briefly met with country music legend Willie Nelson and he insisted I try his new brand of cigarettes. I smoked half a pack then glided home by attaching my magic suspenders to a sparkling trolley car power line.

Country music legend Willie Neslon told me in strict confidence that he wishes people would just call him "Bill."

After my 12th DWI I was put on house arrest, funny thing, I noticed no change in my lifestyle.

Have you caught the movie Bewitched yet? The bastards have switched Darrins on us again thinking we wouldn't notice.

So I order a bowl of vegetable soup at my regular joint. After a couple spoonsful, I see it's all wet under the bowl. I call the waitress over and say "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked." The waitress said, "You ordered the vegetable soup, didn't you?" "Yes," I replied. She says, "Well, maybe it has a leek in it."

Where I Been?

2005-11-02T00:00:00.000-06:00

When I was a young goombah contemplating my future, I was torn between a career as a Proctologist or a French Horn Player.

If I'd have to pick the most common thing ladies have was whispered in my ear over the years, it would have to be "You a cop?"

I was watching a very talented harmonica player performing the other other day and all could think was "What's the point?"

Irish rock singer Bono is featured in a very "in-depth" interview in the latest "Stone". It's times like this when I wish I'd taken the time to learn how to read.

In case you were on yer 3rd bong hit on the last one, I can write but I just ain't sure what I wrote when I'm done.

50 damn States in this country and not one of 'em has the right laws for my idea of a decent wedding night.

I took a drive up North last week to look at leaves but I wasn't sure where to look.

Caught California Senator Barabara Boxer on the tube earlier tonight; now all I can think about is the upcoming erections, I mean elections ... somebody leave me a voice mail and tell me what I just wrote.

If you stop and think about it, that whole Little Red Riding Hood story is preposterous.

I was getting dressed in the locker room at the gym. My pal Saul says, "Since when have you been wearing a girdle?" I says, "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car."

Ramblings on the Sabbath

2005-09-18T21:53:00.000-05:00

When I worked at Keebler back in the early 70s, they made me take the Elfin Creed; I told 'em all I wanted to do was get the fudge outta there ...

I was watchin' the Emmy's earlier tonight and all I could think about was getting down Ellen DeGeneres' pants ...

This is only my 3rd Blog and I'm already running out of ideas ...

In '71 I was arrested for grand larceny ...

Sandy Koufax was a childhood chum of mine ...

I've appeared in 21 Hollywood pictures, but only as myself ...

One of the most interesting things I find about about Supreme Court nominee John Roberts is that he was born in Buffalo ... and that he's white ... so I guess that makes 2 things ...

The other night I was cruising around with folk-rocker Art Garfunkel playing "6 Degrees of Keven Bacon" when the fuzz pulled us over and dicovered a marijuana cigarette in Artie's ash tray ...

I see that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger promises to veto California's same-sex marriage bill ... wasn't he good in Terminator 2? ...

My sailor hat's off to actor Bob Denver who played Gilligan on that one show ... something about an island ... I'll get back to yuh ...

See yuh round Brooklyn yuh Goombahs

Thursday, it Ain't a Day You Hear a Lot About

2005-09-08T23:11:00.000-05:00

You know what would be a tough job? Being a Coroner in the Possum community ... I mean ... how would you ever know if your work was done?

I was looking at the crescent moon tonight and I asked myself ... how the hell do they do that?

Joey Patansky stopped by the Studio today for an interview. We were about 23 minutes deep when I found out he was the guy delivering sandwiches to the crew.

I was at my nephew's Bris the other day, the mohel performing the shmuckelotomy turns to me and says "Oy, if it weren't for the tips I'd never get ahead in this business."

Like most citizens concerned with the future of New Orleans I wanna know, are there gonna be tits at Mardi Gras next year?"

You know, 73 years in the broadcasting business and I just gotta say "Where the Hell is the can?"

The thing I dig about Rumsfeld is that he likes to answer a question with a question, am I right?

I was digging through some old photographs and I found a knockout photo of my 3rd wife. I remember the private dick was so proud of his work he let me have that one on the house.

My Station Boss took me to a joint called "Champps" the other night. Greasy waffle fries, plenty of booze, short skirts and TVs everywhere ... I said "Morty did we die on the way over here and is this Heaven?" Morty sez, "No Harry, we both made it in one piece and this is Champps; I'm a very responsible driver." I sez, "Morty, I know that yuh schmuck I'm just talkin' lokshen ... kapisch?" Morty sez, "Jeez Harry, I getch yuh now but I'm sorry to tell yuh but when you kack I think you'll be heading to warmer climates." I sez "Morty, did you just tell me to go to Hell?" Morty let out one his tradmark guffaws, tugged on his petseleh and said "Come on Schwing, let's blow this pop stand and hit a cat house." I said "Yer drivin'"

My future ex-wife complains that I'm never home so we just moved into a house on a one-way dead end street.

Hump Day Haikus

2005-08-24T22:50:00.000-05:00

If you're a professional athlete or entertainer and your name is Lou, you'd better get used to getting booed.

I walked into a restaurant and all 26 of my ex-wives were kibitzing about some lousy schlub they all seemed to know.

400 smackers for an iPod! Have you seen the size of these things? The kid at the counter says they don't even throw in a needle for that price.

I think the kid to watch is Carrot Top.

When I was growing up in Brooklyn we used to pass the time walking by sundials.

I was interviewing Billy Bob Thorton the other day and he wanted to know who I was.

The Doorman at my building must be a diabetic, he's always got a syringe in his arm.

I was at a speaking engagement at a college in Ohio and during the Q&A, this young man asked me what's round at the ends and high in the middle? I said "Stuff it Hippie" and I walked.

When I was in the Navy I got so drunk I had to get a tattoo of the route back to my ship.

Did people in the 1930s really talk that way?